Turning Wounds to Wisdom
This is your space to learn lessons from relationships, life, past traumas, experiences and especially your wounds.
Listen, and discover how you can do the healing work to evolve your own life : the tools you can use, the practices you can absorb, and the wisdom you can create to live the best life that you can.
Turning Wounds to Wisdom
Ep 9 : Finding yourself after a divorce / breakup
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
Finding yourself after a divorce is really hard. In society, especially for women it can be harder for them to find support, acceptance, freedom and especially THEMSELVES.
So in this video I talk to a special guest who not only has been through divorce, but is doing the work to find herself, to create a special "brand" of her journey, that inspires so many women around the world to build more confidence to find themselves. To feel more confident, to feel more supported, valued, and ultimately find strength within.
Hope you enjoyed listening! If you did please share it and help others :) And if you ever have any requests for conversations , topics or questions, please send me an email at yats@theinneryats.com.
Website : www.theinneryats.com
Love and Light always!!
Finding Identity After Divorce & Breakup
Speaker 1people don't understand how isolating it can feel after you go through a breakup , how you can feel so alone , so depressed . There are the highest cases and reports of suicide , of depression , that happen after people break up in their relationships and especially after divorce , where you've lost your identity for so long . Welcome everybody to another episode of the Turning Wounds to Wisdom podcast . I'm Yats . You've probably heard a lot of my episodes before . I hope you love this one .
Speaker 1It's going to be a really beautiful episode because I also have a special guest who knows a lot of what we're going to talk about today , guest who knows a lot of what we're going to talk about today . She's someone who leads so many women , so many women , to find a sense of confidence , a sense of self and how they can dress , and she's created such a good profile for herself in bringing how changing the way you appear , changing the way you dress up , change the way you look , can create a strong sense of confidence for yourself . And so I've been blessed with her being a part of one of my inner work and healing programs in which she talked a lot about her relationship . She talked a lot about you know , having gone through divorce , why that was such a challenging time for her , and now how she's trying to find her own independence , her own self , her own identity . So in a few minutes I'm going to bring on Heather , a beautiful guest with a huge audience of people who learn from her every single day .
Speaker 1But what today's episode is going to be is primarily around how to find yourself after divorce or even after breakup , and this episode I'm going to be very honest is targeted towards a lot of the women in our community for whom we find that there's not enough support . There's not enough support , there's not enough of acceptance . You know , most often the first thing that comes after divorce or breakup is a lot of judgment . So I'm really excited to bring this guest on today . So everybody , give me a little round of applause to welcome Heather onto the stage . Thank you , beautiful Heather , it's so good to be here .
Speaker 1Thank you . Thank you so much for joining the session today . Heather , First , how do you feel being on this podcast today ?
Speaker 2I feel enthusiastic and very excited and I am just a little bit nervous . But I am just going to take a few deep breaths and I know I'll be okay , because I know that I'm meant to do this for sure .
Speaker 1Yes , you are . You are meant to do this and I think that I've seen you as a student on one of my programs . I've seen you work through and show up for yourself , albeit in pajamas , late at night , when the live calls were , but I saw you show up continuously for yourself , wanting to be here , wanting to grow into a higher space . So first , before we begin , do you want to take that breath together again ? Just a small , quick , easy breath ? Sure , yes , okay . So let's close our eyes together .
Speaker 1Everybody else , if you're watching , I invite you to close your eyes with us . Close your eyes , take a nice , big , beautiful breath in through your nose and , as you're breathing out , breathe out through your mouth , releasing any stress , nervousness , anxiety . Breathe in again through the nose this time . Hold at the top and remember that we are all just little beings here on this earth to play , to enjoy , to have fun and be present . And release Before you open up your eyes , this conversation is going to be a and release Before you open up your eyes . This conversation is going to be a beautiful conversation Just two people learning to talk about their lives themselves , what they've gone through , in the hope that it can give guidance and wisdom to other people . So welcome , heather . My first question to you why were you nervous about having this conversation ? Maybe having this conversation on public platforms ? I don't know . What is it you think that you're feeling nervous about having this conversation ? Maybe having this conversation on public platforms ? I don't know . What is it you think that you're feeling nervous about ?
Speaker 2Well , I guess maybe being judged by people for being divorced . I've actually been divorced twice . Okay , I got married at a very young age , the first time at age 19, . And then I got married at a very young age , the first time at age 19 . And then I got married the second time . I think I was 32 , actually 34 . And yeah , so , just , I guess just being judged by others . But you know , something that I really tried to work on is just understanding that it's really none of my business what other people think of me .
Speaker 2And I'm trying to turn my pain into my purpose and I know that what I went through was one of the reasons was for me to be able to help other women who've gone through similar situations and relationships .
Speaker 1Yeah , and you know that's . That's the thing , right . I mean , first I like how you said it's it's actually none of their business what you're going through , and it's none of your business what they think of you either . It's more important what you think of yourself .
Speaker 1But , in our conditioning a lot of the time , when we feel the weight of our loved ones , especially of people that we trusted and we were familiar with , if we feel the weight of their judgment , then we start to make it our business . To make it our business .
Healing and Growth After Divorce
Speaker 1So , before we move forward into the conversation , I want to ask you what is something you can be grateful for in your journey that you've gone through these two divorces ? What is something that you can really be grateful for about that , no matter how difficult that was ? What is something you can be grateful for today , right now , specifically about those two things well , because of those , you know , unhealthy relationships .
Speaker 2It it made me do work on myself and it made me look inside , because what I was doing was pointing my finger outwards and , oh , it's your fault if you would only change , if you would only do this different .
Speaker 2Right , I realized I had this huge aha moment that , like hello , I need to look inside of me to figure out what's going on , and so , because of those relationships , I've been able to do a lot of healing and inner work that I probably otherwise would have never done do you think you're a better person for that today . Absolutely yeah .
Speaker 2I'm a better person and I'm also more equipped to help other women , and that's you know that's one of the reasons you know , the reason I started my fashion business 12 years ago was to help women , you know , feel more confident and like better versions of themselves . But it goes way deeper than the clothes that we put on our body , Although that does impact how we feel , Of course . It's like you know , I'm big into getting therapy and doing self , you know , self work and all of that , and so I'm I'm able to help women with that too , and that's that's a blessing .
Speaker 1Absolutely , and I like that . You , you , you hold that as important , you know , because a lot of people listening , a lot of people watching , you know , we go through difficult times in our lives and as human beings , we're very three-dimensional beings . We attach very much to the physical things in our surrounding oh , I don't have a partner , I should be upset . Oh , I don't have the money , I should be depressed . Oh , I don't have anything , you know , coming my way . And it makes us focus too much only on what we think of what is , instead of thinking of what is the good that's come out of it . How is this helping me to move on to a beautiful place ? How is this motivating me to have a better life in my future ? So I think that's really , that's really nice that you are able to like , alchemize that situation to see that it's provided you something , something really really good and powerful , especially coming out from divorces , which are hard , you know yeah so I want to , I want to ask you divorces are hard personally .
Speaker 1Well , this is actually another moment of truth . I'm I've also been married twice . Um , my first , yeah , and my my we're in the same club , exactly right . Well , my first marriage was basically a legal marriage and it was 15 days technically .
Speaker 2Oh wow , how long were you married for .
Speaker 1But we were together for six years , I think six or five years before that we got married because we thought it would be really helpful for us to move to another country together . Like I had a visa , she didn't . It's really difficult , as like indian citizens , to get visas really easily , and so that was we . We had planned to get married in the future anyway , and so we made this decision . But after I moved to the new country , it seemed like everything started to fall apart and she was like yeah , you know , I don't want to come join you . This is not working out . So we had to get a divorce .
Speaker 1So , uh , technically actually , we got an annulment and the the um , the judge , gave it to us because he was like you spend only 15 days together in the same city as like a married couple . So it's kind of easy . But it still weighs on you , though , when you're going into your second marriage right , it still weighs on you Forget , even when you're going to your second marriage . It weighs on you after you go through that big breakup and a divorce , because you start to really question yourself Is that something that you experienced for yourself after you got divorced ? Or , a better question is what were you going through after you had or went through that divorce ?
Speaker 2So the first one or the second one ?
Speaker 1Well , whichever one was more , intense'll say , or impactful for you yeah , I'll I'll .
Speaker 2I had a lot of similar feelings , uh , with , with both of them , but I'll really kind of talk more about this , the more recent one , since it's more recent and fresh on my mind . Um , I mean , you know , the feelings that I felt were , uh , feelings of , you know , sadness and anger and fear . I had a lot of fear , which I think is what kept me stuck in that relationship for so long , because I was afraid to leave and I kept thinking that , ok , I'll leave when I'm not afraid to leave , I'll leave when I'm not afraid anymore . But what I've learned is that the fear doesn't go away .
Speaker 2You know , I'm just , I said , said I need to leave to save myself , and it's okay that I'm afraid . And guess what ? I'm going to do it anyway . And so you know that that's like having faith . You know , like I have faith that God's going to take care of me no matter what , and so , yeah , it's scary , because now I'm going to be alone Like I'm 50 years old . I have been in a relationship since I was 16 years old , for pretty much my entire life . You know , half of my life , or more than half of my life , those were unhealthy relationships , in including my you know two ex-husbands , but also men that I've dated , guys that I've dated throughout my lifetime .
Speaker 2You know , most of them have been unhealthy and toxic . I know why that is . It's the patterns that I picked up from my childhood . Okay , wait .
Speaker 1Now I'm going to jump in here because there's two things that I want to bring to your attention . First , for everybody listening , I want to say I'm proud of you . You've been a student of my program and you've gone through the work . Like you said , you're 50 and you've been in a relationship since you were 16 years old . Why do you think that you've been in relationships you know continuously since that period of time ? Why do you think that you always went to seek something from a relationship ? Why do you think that is ?
Speaker 2Because I was looking for external validation to make me feel good instead of giving that to myself . And I didn't know that that I was , you know . I didn't know that , I didn't know that I was doing that . I wasn't aware of that until probably seven years ago , when I started this healing journey and working on myself , and then I realized , oh , I was going for these men because I needed this external validation to make them feel better about myself .
Speaker 1And so can you tell me a little more about your , since you had divorces , I assume that you know both of you , or one of you , concluded that this relationship was not for yourself . So can you tell me about maybe your first relationship as well ? What was that like ? Was that like a comfortable , safe relationship for you as a woman ? Was it something that gave you what you needed , or what was it like ? I see a little snigger , so obviously that's something coming up here that I'm very curious about .
Speaker 2You know that relationship began when I was 16 years old . You know he was my first little sweetheart .
Speaker 1And so it's almost like you didn't even know enough about the world before you got into that relationship , right ?
Speaker 2Right , exactly , he was a lot like my dad .
Speaker 1What was that like ?
Speaker 2My dad has passed . He died 12 years ago . Prior to that , we had an amazing relationship . I was really close with my father Growing up up when I was a little girl . You know I love my parents . My parents are amazing and , mom , if you're listening , I love you and all that .
Speaker 1I hope she's listening .
Speaker 2I know me too . You know my parents' marriage was very , you know , a lot of high highs and low lows , a lot of fighting , a lot of drinking , a lot of high highs and low lows , a lot of fighting , a lot of drinking , a lot of chaos . And so that's what I saw as a little girl . That was modeled to me as oh , this is what love is , this is what a marriage should look like . And I didn't know . You know that all that's happening , you know , is my subconscious is being programmed like oh okay , this is what a relationship is . And so what felt familiar for me was a chaotic relationship , full of high highs and low lows . And that's exactly what I got from my 16 year old boyfriend , who was a fun guy to be around . He was Mr Party Animal , you know , lots of drinking and everything , but yeah , it was a lot of high highs and low lows . So , even though that was miserable , I didn't realize it , because it was also familiar to me and to my nervous system .
Speaker 1Wow , that's pretty astute for someone who's been in a relationship to say and look back and say that the reason I got into the new relationship which wasn't something that gave me love or wasn't something that gave me connection , was or fulfilled me that gave me connection , was or fulfilled me . It gave you a connection , for sure , but it didn't keep me safe . It didn't do anything . It was because that's what I knew and that's what I learned , right . And you , I think more power to you for even admitting and recognizing that your upbringing especially witnessing the modeled behavior to you from your father and your mother and how your dad was probably chaotic and he was alcoholic that that's the kind of safety that you should expect from a man and there's nothing different that you could probably expect . You couldn't expect a man to probably be more grounded in control of his emotions , more regulated . Instead , you expect and what you saw from your family that when he's uncomfortable , he takes it out on you or in the relationship . Is that what you experienced in your relationship ?
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , and with both my parents you know my mom and my dad and you know my dad did stop drinking when he was when I was 12 . And then their marriage got a lot better . And so I did see that . I see , I saw that their marriage did become a lot better and a lot more , even keeled , and you know , but by that time I was 12 years old and you know my subconscious had already been programmed , you know , to see the unhealthiness of it .
Speaker 2And so that's what really drives your decisions , unless until you become aware of it , which I'm aware of it now . So now that I'm in the dating world , which I guess , we'll probably talk about that in a little while .
Speaker 1Right .
Speaker 2Noticing some of the guys that I have chosen to date for a little bit and then off because they have that same pattern that I don't want to be a part of anymore .
Speaker 1What does it feel like to know that you've you had a particular pattern of men or you had a particular pattern of relationships where someone was probably like you said . Maybe they prioritized themselves more than you . Maybe they didn't do the inner work so they weren't regulated and grounded . Maybe they took out their emotional selves on you . Maybe they invalidated or ignored you or made you feel small . What does it feel like to break that pattern or be aware of it now while you're dating in the new world , to make sure that you don't repeat the same thing ? What does it feel like to just be able to see it and catch it ?
Speaker 2It feels amazing , it feels really good . You know , it feels really good when I don't have feelings for the person .
Speaker 1Tell me more about that . What is that ? Why do you say it feels really good when I don't have feelings for the person ? What does that mean ?
Speaker 2Because , like I've been on many first dates right Maybe 10 to 15 first dates where I realized I've noticed on the first date I've seen a red flag and I've cut it off before I went any further . So I had no time to develop feelings for this person right Versus somebody that I had that I did a relationship with , where I noticed it on the first date . My intuition told me , but I chose to ignore it because I was having fun and I had these strong , intense feelings for him . It grew and grew and grew and then it was like then I realized after date five or six , it was like then I realized after day five or six , I got to end it with this guy because he isn't healthy for me .
Speaker 2Right , I did , and it broke my heart like I laid on my living room floor and cried my eyes out . I had a part of me thought like , do I love this guy ? But then I was like I'm not going to do this again to myself . So I did it . I didn't do it , but it was really , really hard , probably one of the hardest things I've ever done .
Speaker 1No one tells you about that part right , and myself included , I teach you all of this . We've been in our program and I talk about how , when you're breaking a pattern and you know what you do want , it becomes easier to say no to what you don't want . But that initial stage where you're breaking past , being used to the things that are not good for you to moving into the stage of things that are good for you , it's still a hard process to kind of let that go a little bit and move into this new transition . And this actually is where I want to spend a second of time here , because there are a lot of people , a lot of women , I think who find themselves in a repetitive cycle of unhealthy relationships Men as well , no doubt about it . But since I've got you on here , I want to talk about that and that there are two elements .
Speaker 1One there is a natural intuition that comes up to them and says this is not good for you . It's a soft feeling in your gut . It's that soft voice in the back of your head which , if you've trained yourself to listen to really well , then it'll pop up and you'll hear it . But if you haven't trained yourself to listen to it really well . Then you ignore it and your ego , your pattern say no , no , no , go for this , it's okay , it'll work out . I can change him , I can fix him , and then that moment , what happens is all of that intuition runs out the window and that growth that you were having and breaking that old pattern that
Unhealthy Fixing in Relationships
Speaker 1vanishes . Have you ever been in that situation where , when you're getting into a relationship with someone , you're like you know what , I can change this person . I can change this person and they can give me the love I want . I can fix them and then they can give me the love I want . Have you been ?
Speaker 2in that situation before . Yeah , yeah , both marriages and several guys that I dated , and I also think , yes , I can change them . But I also think this oh , I'm special enough that they'll change for me . Like , I think , if they love me enough , then they'll do this . If they love me enough , like you know , I love that saying of when someone shows you who they are , believe you know . I love that saying of when someone shows you who they are , believe them the first time and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache . And so , instead of me believing people for who they are , when they show me who they are , I try to say well , you know , I try to change them and I try to control them . But again , that's me pointing my finger outside of myself looking at them , because that's a distraction of what's really hard for people which is me looking at me .
Speaker 2And that's where growth comes . So I spend a lot of my life ignoring that , until like seven years ago . Like I said , that's really beautiful .
Speaker 1I like how you said it and I want to bring up this one question I have about it . But I'm going to say to you uh , just really quick right now , I want you to double check on the tab that you had for your Instagram . If you clicked um , go live on that . Just want to . I want you to check on that If you , yeah , did you click it , Ah , you are live .
Speaker 1Okay , Awesome , Beautiful . So um , back to this discussion . Why do you think we want to and I've specifically noticed this more in women why do you think women want to fix a man to get them to love them ? Why do you think that they want that ? Why do you think that they put so much effort and energy and sacrifice and abandon themselves instead of finding someone who can already love them and abandon themselves ? Instead of finding someone who can already love them , instead of finding someone who can already show up for them and meet their needs and give them the love and respect , why do you think they go after someone who can't do that and try and convince that person to give them their needs and love them ?
Speaker 2because in your experience , because I think it's totally tied to my childhood , because I was , that's what I saw my mom try to do with my dad , that that's that's what I saw in their dynamic , in their marriage , and so that's who . I was subconsciously attracted to those types of men in my life because that felt familiar to my brain and to my nervous system . It feels unfamiliar when I attract a really nice guy .
Speaker 1Yes .
Speaker 2Right now , so we can talk about that in a minute or whenever you're ready . But and I've been aware of that like this , this feeling of oh , wow , wow , and I almost think to myself like he's so consistent with his communication , and I almost think to myself like he's so consistent with his communication and I almost think to myself like can he ?
Speaker 1just like not call me for a day Like him more .
Speaker 2Oh my God , Ridiculous . It's what I'm used to and I need that chaos to like . Keep to , you know , stay interested .
Speaker 1That again , I love how perceptive you are about it and how you've learned to see and you have this awareness about your own self , your own patterns and how it happens . And I want to take a minute to provide a monologue to everybody listening as to why and how we actually do this . And if we've had an unhealthy idea of love , either replicated to us by our parents or environment that we were in , or even the love that we received , because , more likely than not , if than not , if our environment had an unhealthy idea of love or not , a stable , grounded , safe idea of love , more likely than not , that's also what we received a not stable , safe idea of love . So , like you said , our nervous systems get used to this . Now , more likely than not , people who experience this and we're talking about women here grow into what we call the , the anxious attachment where you want someone's love in order for you to feel safe , but your idea of love is things that we just called either broken or things that are damaged or things that don't know how to show up for you , because that's the love you received . Emotionally unavailable or emotionally unhealthy or incapable men , because that's not just what maybe father figures were , that's just what we received , and so this becomes the idea of love that is saved within us , so much so that if we go out into the universe looking for relationships , we're only going to look for this because this is what we want . We want broken love so that we can try and fix it , because then that makes us feel valuable . We want someone who can't give us meet our needs , because if we try and get them to meet our needs , then we prove to ourselves that we're loving , worthy and valuable , because just by ourselves we don't believe that we're lovable , we're worthy or we're valuable . So we need the broken thing to fix it to then feel that
Navigating Healthy Love and Self-Validation
Speaker 1way .
Speaker 1But here's something really crazy that happens , like you just said . What happens if you meet someone who is capable of love ? What happens if you meet someone who is healthy ? People don't get this , but your nervous system goes through something called the flippening where , if it's not used to this idea of healthy love , an anxious person who naturally needs or wants someone's love so desperately is craving . You know their partner , their boyfriend , that maybe their parents love or society's love desperately is craving . You know their partner , their boyfriend , that maybe their parents love or society's love .
Speaker 1When someone starts to give them love in a healthy manner , their entire psyche shifts . It goes from anxious to avoidant , temporarily , just to avoid secure love . So it basically goes from someone who you know has been chasing someone to when you find someone approaching you , trying to give you healthy love . You flip to the other side and their approach of healthy love you start to find it as too much , too needy . You're like , oh my God , what's wrong with you ? Give me some space .
Speaker 1Then you talk to your girlfriends and , like Jesus , this guy just won't , he doesn't get it like he's too much , when in truth that's just secure , healthy love . But we're so used to emotionally unavailable people , we're so used to emotionally unhealthy love that at this point we reject it and we shame it , judge it , do whatever we can . We find it unattractive so that our psyche can go back to what we're used to , which is chasing after broken people , unavailable people , so that we can try and fix them and convince them to love us . Isn't that fucking crazy that our minds and our nervous systems can do that ?
Speaker 2It totally makes sense though .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's insane . So let me ask you last question before I want to go into the current dating what have you done for yourself to be able to create more safety internally , increase your self-validation , all of that stuff and be able to create a healthier love for yourself ? What have you done to be able to do that ?
Speaker 2A lot of different things . So you know , dating back to , I think the first thing that I did for myself was probably eight years ago . Eight or nine years ago I took this three-day emotional healing course on codependency and relationships . That was pretty amazing , where we did a lot of hypnosis and like closing our eyes and visualizing and journaling and all the things . I've had therapy for a good you know , since I was 30 , some odd years old . I mean not like every single week for 20 years , but , you know , probably every single month for a long time . I I love my things and um , I've also . I also did a week-long emotional healing journey called the hoffman process , which is in california . That was amazing too , right . But something that I've done recently that has actually made the biggest impact is your program , the gauntlet you're not saying that just because we're live , right , you've been , really I'm really not .
Speaker 2I'm really not , because I honestly learned more from your eight-week online course than I did from that week-long course that was in person .
Speaker 1Wow .
Speaker 2Because you know , in your course I mean , you were just like you have so much wisdom and knowledge and I learned so much from you .
Speaker 2But you know , like you have so much wisdom and knowledge and I learned so much from you , but you know learning how to so many tools that I can actually use in everyday life . Like if I start to get triggered , I know I can do breath work . You know , I can , I can close my eyes and meditate , I can grab my journal , I can go on a walk . I can , you know , dance in my kitchen . Like if I need to bring out my inner child , like you also taught me a lot about the inner child healing , which is , you know , like there's a little girl inside of me and there's a little girl inside of all of the women listening that wants to be loved and that deserves to be loved and wants to be seen and have fun and validated . And no one can do that for her except you , except me . And so long I was asking the men in my life to do that to me .
Speaker 1And for so long I was asking the men in my life to do that .
Speaker 1So , yeah , I like how you said like for so long in your life you are asking the men in your life to do that and I'm really grateful . I also want to say I'm proud of myself because we have a very bad time celebrating ourselves at Nalgi . I'm proud of myself for I know you graduated from the session last night for being able to sit with all of you beautiful women who are in my group and to have given you that gift that you can now show yourself you are lovable , valuable and worthy and loved . It's as simple as , like that little breath work we did before we started this session . Right , and in the breath work we were calming ourselves down , we were getting ready and not feeling anxious , and I guided us by saying that we are just little children who are showing up here to play and we can see those children . We can see that . You know , as a child , I don't need anyone's permission , validation or approval to play . I can just be creative , I can be myself , I can be loving , and we are those loving parental figures who are giving ourselves permission , as little children in that moment , to have that loving parental figures who are giving ourselves permission , as little children in that moment , to have that . And normally we give that same permission to society . We give that same permission to our partners . We give that same permission well , we did to our parents growing up but we give it to everybody else . And what happens if they don't give us that permission ? What happens if they don't give us that acceptance ? What happens if they don't let us be those little children ? What happens if they put that pressure on us of their own wounds , their own triggers of expectations to be better ? Then we've lost that love inside and that literally , the only like love we'll feel is when they give us muscles of like connection , validation , attention , that little tiny bit , and that's about it . So I'm grateful that I , through my own learnings and lessons , I created that program of showing people how to love themselves rather than being dependent on the entire world to be able to love us , you know . So thank you for being a part of that program . I'm grateful for myself that it's provided you that much value and I hope that whoever's listening .
Speaker 1If you need help , the first step is the most important step , which is to just reach out and ask for it . You know to be vulnerable and say I need this help , because if you don't ask for it , if you let your life and the busyness take over , if you let all your old wounds and patterns come back into play , then you're just going to stay in the same cycle for years and years . It's never going to break and there's no one else to blame . Yeah , somebody else treated us like shit . Yes , they said shit . They were narcissistic . They may have physically or emotionally abused us , but the cycle of continuation is our power of attraction . You know it's what we're bringing in instead of choosing to end that . So , since we're talking about these cycles and you went through like two divorces before now getting into your dating life but what is that like Can you tell us a little bit about it ? And I know you had a question for me , which I'm excited as well to answer ?
Speaker 1But , what's that like now for you , that change after you know those cycles of divorce and breakup that you experienced .
Speaker 2I mean it's difficult . I or so that I was dating , I felt like I was attracting and also being attracted to more emotionally unavailable , avoidant men , so like if I wouldn't get a text , if they wouldn't text me back for an hour or two or three , I remember I had . It was just the very , very first guy that I dated after my divorce and we dated for maybe two months . We weren't exclusive or anything . We'd gone on five or six dates . Nice guy . But I remember I sent him a text and he didn't respond to my text for like three or four hours and I literally was crying on my couch like having anxiety , like oh my gosh , he doesn't like me . I guess he doesn't like me , I guess he's not into me and I just it was the worst feeling and I it was just so anxious and you know we ended up talking and it just really never . You know we ended up sort of in separate ways .
Speaker 2but yeah , I just felt all the anxiety . And then , you know , and then lots of first dates or second maybe , maybe had second dates , and I would notice the red flags and I would break up with them or not break up and not go out , and then I would be proud of myself Like I tried to celebrate those small ones , yeah , good job .
Speaker 2Like I'm recognizing the red flags and I'm not . You know , I'm not putting up with this , and then you know . And then I did have that situation ship that lasted probably nine months , probably eight months and three weeks too long .
Speaker 1So you ended that .
Speaker 2I have ended that . Yeah eight months and three weeks too long . So you ended that . I have ended that , yeah , good job . Good job because I know you were in the . It was really really difficult because I ended up , you know , I ended up having feelings for this guy Because , even though I knew he was a red flag and even though I knew he wasn't for me long-term , I thought , oh , what's the harm in having a little fun with him ?
Speaker 1That's how it begins . But with them , that's how it begins . But you know what , whenever I call situationships shituationships , that's just my personal branding on those things , because I have so many clients and so many people coming to me saying like , oh yeah , I'm in a situationship and I'm just here , just as you said at the beginning , just to have some fun , just to get a little connection . But the truth is , for me , I study people's energy , I study what they attract and I study a pattern . I'm like this has a lot of vague similarities to your previous relationships where people wouldn't give you what you wanted from them , but you settled . It's just a different package right now . Right Now you're just saying , oh , it's for fun , it's for whatever else .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And every one of those people who starts that situationship starts thinking it's going to be fun , it's just sex , it's playful and the sex is really great because of all the stress hormones that make you feel it's really good . But they're really trying to tell you to run away and we just don't understand that . But it always leads to people creating a sense of like attachment to that person Because they're getting into the situation with someone who's emotionally unavailable . They are emotionally unavailable and situation with someone who's emotionally unavailable . They are emotionally unavailable and I don't blame that person for saying that . You know what ? I'm not available , this is only the thing I can do because they're saying it . But we're abandoning ourselves to be a part of that process and we go through the journey until we end up with heartbreak and attachment .
Speaker 2Right and I think another reason I you know I did it too Well it was it was keeping my nervous system in that high , low , low thing . So that's another thing I think subconsciously attracting him and being attracted to him because he kept me on those high highs and low lows .
Speaker 1that I was so used to in my previous relationships I just want to say I'm proud of you for for breaking that , because I know you were talking about that in the program and the fact that you stepped away from it and you chose something different , like kudos to you . This is part of the learning process and I will tell you that it will be hard , it will be tempting and you will want to go back from time to time , like you know , to feel like , ah , you know , maybe I'll settle for it , but you have to catch yourself in those moments and give yourself what you're learning now , to give yourself the love , the , the you know , the self-validation , the accountability of a better life . So , coming back to your , your dating , your present date , so , and another thing I did , oh sorry , go ahead .
Speaker 1No , no , go on .
Speaker 2I was just going to say , and one thing that has helped me with my dating is my therapist told me to make a list of the attributes and characteristics that you want in a partner , and so I did that .
Speaker 2You know , a year and a half a year or so ago , and I I read the list a ton like every morning and every night for a long time . I think it's kind of programmed in my subconscious now of what I'm looking for , you know , which is somebody who's emotionally available , somebody who's worthy and loyal and kind and , you know , obviously driven and ambitious and all those things too , but mostly it's the inner character . So there's nothing on there about what he needs to look like or you know . Of course I need to be attracted to him , right ? But so , yeah , that way I get a really clear picture on this is what I want . So when someone shows up like that guy that I had a situation with , he was somebody that I didn't want .
Navigating Relationships and Personal Growth
Speaker 2So I totally believe that the universe and God shows us people that we don't want , so that we can get crystal clear on what we do want .
Speaker 1Absolutely . But we have to be able to use that moment and opportunity as an opportunity not to get sucked back into the pattern but to learn from it . And I think that's where a lot of us need to grow , because a lot of us just stay attached to our old cycles and if we're not you know I keep saying this we will continue to live in this cycle until we have that moment that we can break it and level up and then we move to an above , like you know , more evolved state of being . But if we don't choose to break the cycle I say this thing to people sometimes if you're not willing to do the work , be ready to reproduce your old partner with a new face .
Speaker 2Yeah , totally .
Speaker 1That's literally what I say to people , you know .
Speaker 2Yes , one thing that you taught me in the program , and also I had also learned this from my therapist , and I've also heard this from another person that I love to follow on YouTube .
Speaker 1Dr Romney .
Speaker 2She's amazing , right , you know . And then here it is . If you want to , I feel like this is the . This is the one thing that helps me the most break free from all of the toxic relationships I've been in , and it is make a list , like , of the top 10 things that they've done and how those things made you feel , and then when you feel that pull to go back or when you feel that pull of you second guessing yourself , you get that list out and you remind yourself this was my reality .
Speaker 2Is this how I want to live ? And of course no , you don't . And so then that makes it really easy . Not easy , but easier .
Speaker 1Easier .
Speaker 2Detached .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's kind of like that shock to look at , like , oh shit , like I went through this , like I allowed myself to put myself through this , or this person makes me feel like this , this is not what I want . But , like you said , we have to continuously remind ourselves of what we don't want and what we do want , and if that gap is too far , then surely we're not in the right place , right ?
Speaker 2So what was the question that you had about your Well , so first I want to just throw this in there because , like I said , I believe the universe and God gives us people . Right , I'm totally . I believe that and I think there's synchronicities and everything . So this guy comes into my life and he has the same first name as my father .
Speaker 1Oh , wow .
Speaker 2But beyond that which there's , that's you know . Coincidence enough , but he also has the same birthday as my dad .
Speaker 1Wow .
Speaker 2I was like okay .
Speaker 1When is this ? When is the birthday ?
Speaker 2October 19th .
Speaker 1Ooh ? Wow , Is that ? I guess those are Libras . Is that a Libra ?
Speaker 2Is 19th . I guess those are Libras . Is that a ?
Speaker 1Libra , how can you not have looked it up ? You're dating this guy .
Speaker 2I'm a Scorpio and I'm November 16th . Maybe it's a Libra . It's .
Speaker 1Libra .
Speaker 2He's this nice guy We've been dating . We've only been on three or four dates . We've been seeing each other for four weeks , weeks . So I know it's so new . So I keep reminding myself . You don't know him yet , heather , you don't know , but every day he's very consistent with his communication . He's we're all . We've already been super vulnerable with each other and telling each other how we feel and you know , telling each other if something isn't . You know he's like , please tell me if you're feeling anxious . I want to know like he's had like these deep conversations , but I also felt myself getting . Well , I had . Here's one of my . One question is this he lives in Austin .
Speaker 2And you're in Dallas I think to myself okay , he's not emotionally unavailable because he's very open with his feelings . However , he's physically unavailable because he's not here , but he's coming . You know he'll come see me like once a week , okay , bar , and so then . But then I asked myself in my is this , is this just somebody who's who's physically unavailable ? And it's another way of being unavailable .
Speaker 1That's a great , great , great , great , great astute observation . And a point . Um , the first thing I will say to you before we analyze this is you're making progress right , because what God and the universe and what you believe in is already showing you is hey , heather girl , you're doing better . You've attracted someone at least who cares , someone who's capable at least emotionally , someone who's there , you know . So at least that's a progression . First , you have to celebrate and give yourself , you know , gratitude for the growth , because if you don't , then you invalidate yourself that you're doing this . So first , I think that that's what you have to recognize and give yourself . So I'm proud of you . That's amazing Recognize that made a very active choice in my life to not date people who are in other towns or cities , no matter how amazing they were , their personalities or whatever .
Speaker 1Because , like you said , I have physical needs For me personally , I'm a very physical person . I love cuddling , I love being very playful , I love great sex , I love dancing , a lot of the things that are very physical . And if someone is , if I'm in a long distance relation with someone , I'm denying myself of those needs whilst potentially just lying to myself and saying like , at least they're like this , so that's fine . Now the first question for you and I'm not projecting this onto you , which is why I'm asking you for yourself is do you have a strong desire for someone to be in person with you ? Is that an important thing ?
Speaker 2yes okay .
Speaker 1So would you like ? Do you like cuddles ? I know it sounds like a stupid question , everybody says yes , but I'm asking you again yes , okay , do you like dancing ? Yeah okay , do you like snuggling up and watching netflix or movies ? Uh-huh okay , netflix got a free uh free plug just now in my podcast . Do you like great sex ?
Speaker 2Of course .
Speaker 1Who doesn't right ?
Speaker 2Okay .
Speaker 1So these are some priorities for you .
Navigating Emotional Boundaries in Relationships
Speaker 1Earlier , in my opinion , studying your journey , you had a lot of the physical availability , let's say , of the men or the people around you , but you lacked the emotional connection and capability and safety that they could provide . So what your inner being has done is said Heather , what's the most important thing for us right now ? You didn't even think the most important thing is to get more physical stuff , because you had it , but your most important thing was to get the emotional stuff . So you said , okay , how can we progress that ? In fact , if you think about the previous guy that you were with , the situationship person , we had the physical .
Speaker 1Exactly , Exactly . You had the physical but not the emotional . So sometimes the pendulum needs to swing from one end to the other end to kind of come back to the middle . You know , and I think that's kind of what's happened to you , which I think is a good thing , a really good progressive thing , because you've moved all the way to that .
Speaker 1But now I really believe that all of us , as powerful manifestors , children of God , whatever , we have the right to ask for what we want and we have the right to own it , all of it . And that life is not about compromise . It's just about choosing the things that you want and don't want . And in this space you've gotten a gift of someone who can emotionally help you come back to a healthy place . But you must be able to draw the standards for yourself as to whether or not you're willing to put up with the physical absence of this person , or whether your needs are important enough for you to draw that boundary and say this is not working out . And let me tell you , Heather , this is going to be the biggest test for you , because I can already see you wincing .
Speaker 2You're like oh God , why do you have to say that word ? I don't want any more lessons .
Speaker 1Like I don't want any more . I've already gone through this . Listen , yeah , I just want it all . Give it to me right now . But you're in an important place for the lesson . I'll tell you why and I'll give you a little story as an example .
Speaker 1So I went from I think I told you my pattern was being attracted to older women who had children , blah , blah , blah . And that happened for like four or five years . I was being with people who are not emotionally or physically . They were somewhat available because they would be with me , we'd spend time together , we'd like you know , we'd have great sex , but they were not , um , futuristically available . Let's say that they weren't available to create a life and love with me . They'd already had that and so it was kind of like situationships in some sense , and I did so much inner work to cut off from that that I went to the healing . But I swung my pendulum to the other way . To find someone or to find partners who are physically available could create the right future , but I didn't have enough of an emotional connection with them . So the pendulum swung and it was so hard even then for me . But I said you know what ? I'm going to draw a boundary with this . I can't do this because it's not giving me what I need . I'm going to go into like , even if I have to be alone , it's better than being with someone who's not good for me . So I drew that boundary and my pendulum was coming closer to the middle , but not completely and totally .
Speaker 1And then came in the example of my wife and my wife and I met very scientifically on an airplane , which was very beautiful , loving . It was amazing , you know , whirlwind romance for that week , because I flew from the US , she flew from Dubai and we met at like a holiday destination , just not for each other . We were going on a boy's trip and a girl's trip on the plane . So when we met we had an amazing three or four days . Like we hit it off so well . Everything was so serendipitous . Her hotel was like a three-minute walk from mine , in a place that's like huge , huge , huge , huge , like really big , like imagine , um , like the whole coast of LA , kind of thing . Everything was so perfect .
Speaker 1But at the end of the trip I said to her I live in the Western world , in the US , you live in Dubai and India . This can't happen , according to me . And she was like why , why not ? We're so good together emotionally , blah , blah , blah . You know , physically we're good . I was like , yeah , but you're not in the place that I am and that I need to be , and I let the conversation continue for a little bit . I returned to my city . We chatted for a little while but it was not benefiting us . It was pulling on us and I was getting more attached and I recognized that and I made . I said to myself that day I said I deserve better than to lead this girl on and to lead baby Yats on .
Speaker 1And I said I'm going to draw a boundary . So after a few weeks of us talking , even though we had returned back , I said to her I was like her name is Aisha and I said Aisha , I'm really sorry , but I can't talk to you and I'm going to block you and myself , like , from talking to each other . So I blocked her because I said otherwise .
Speaker 1I know we'll get back to it we like each other a lot , but I said you're not physically in the place I need you to be and I deserve a beautiful relationship . So I believe that was a test for me and that it was so hard for me to say no to someone who , finally , I was emotionally attracted to , physically attracted to . We were so compatible . Everything was right but the distance . But I drew that boundary , let it go , and it was on my weight , on my mind heavily for a really long while . For like weeks , for months , we didn't talk to each other , we didn't say a word , and I really believe that was such a big test because I had , finally , I was moving from the us to mexico and like it was just some crazy senator but his plan . So I decided to reach out to aisha , just let her know . I said hey , I just want to let you know that , um , you know I'm sorry I haven't messaged for so long . I think it's been important for us and you know I'm having some life changes , I'm moving to mexico and so fucking crazy . And serendipitously she messaged me and she said oh my god , are you serious ? I was like , yeah , I know it's crazy , right . And she's like well , you won't believe it .
Speaker 1My modeling agency just asked me to move to mexico for a job and I was like what the fuck ? Are you serious ? I was like are you bullshitting ? Are you stalking me ? Are you gonna come to mexico ? I literally said that to her . I was like you're stalking to me , stalking me . Okay , this is weird . I'm gonna have to block you again . Then she sent me the screenshot of the email and they said we want you to move to mexico because you'll suit that profile . And I was like what the fuck are the odds ?
Speaker 1like this is insane like how could this even be true and possible ? And within a matter of weeks from that point ? Well , it took a few , actually months , for the stuff to get together . She moved to mexico and I was in mexico and the thing that you think cannot manifest at all manifested . But it manifested because of that testing moment where I was willing to say , if this is not going to give me everything I deserve , I don't deserve to be a part of it . And that willingness to end that somehow made everything work , either with that same person or with another person . We don't have to be hooked onto it being with only that person . That's attachment . But it would either work with that person or another person , but either ways it works out the way we want . Today we're married , we're expecting a child , you know like our life is so , but that's what I have to say to you .
Speaker 1So maybe there is part of that conversation that you need if and that's why I asked you are you okay with the distance ? And you know in your soul that you're not , and it sucks and it hurts because this is a good guy , he's being better , he's doing better , but you deserve the best , not better . You deserve the best . Okay , I know it's tough , but here's the thing why is it that when we say you deserve the best , our human reaction is to be like oh God , I have to make a tough decision now . Why not think of that as being an inspiring decision rather than a tough decision ? Can you tell me why it should be , why it can't be an inspiring decision and why it should only be a tough decision ? Or can you tell me that it is potentially an inspiring decision , isn't it ?
Speaker 2I mean , it is an inspiring decision , but I also . It's a tough decision too , because I like him .
Learning to Trust and Let Go
Speaker 1Of course .
Speaker 2And and and also there's the thing in the back of my mind that , like , well , he has my dad's name and he has my dad's birthday , so this has to be a sign that , like , maybe I'm supposed to be with this guy . Like that's also playing in my head .
Speaker 1And therefore let me tell you that if God has put that in your hands , let what God create . Let no man or woman make asunder right . So if God has put that in your hands , even if you try and invalidate it , don't you think that God will find another way to make it work . Just as he did in my relationship , which is fucking crazy , because , like the ride to Mexico is not like going from LA to New York . You know , it's like my family lives there and it's 12 and a half hours of a difference , 35 hours on our fucking planes to get there . But if that can happen , why not in your life , which is a few hours away from each other ? And that's the thing , though . You have to let go of the attachment to him . You can't say OK , I'm going to say no to you while I'm constantly saying my prayers about you every night before I go to bed . Then that's still attachment . You have to let go .
Speaker 1One of the most powerful and needed things in our time , especially as human beings , is the ability to let go and trust . We don't trust anymore because we're always looking to social media therapists everybody else , like you , know our repeated patterns to guarantee it will work out for us . We've forgotten to listen to God . You talk about liking and loving and connecting with God . We've forgotten to listen to God . We've forgotten to listen to our soul and our spirit , that we're so powerful inside that , if we love and believe in ourselves , nothing cannot manifest .
Speaker 2You know , and I love that saying that says if it's meant to be , you can't mess it up , and if it's not meant to be , you can't force it .
Speaker 1Exactly , exactly . I'm going to use that , repurpose that and put it on my Instagram , because it's not as easy to make content as people think . So I'm going to use that statement , I'm going to ask you for a text , but , on that note , just to say that , in that same conclusion , I always ask people this question and I say fast forward , a year from now . You have a great guy in your bed . You know , strong , muscular arms , if that's what you like , around you . You'll wake up on Saturday morning and you're watching this like fun show , like a rom com on Netflix .
Speaker 1Neither of you wants to get out of bed . Both of you have an off day . You know , you're so connected . Your , your legs . I love that , that method of cuddling where , like your legs all intertw , intertwined and , like you know , his arms around you , your head's resting on his chest , and it's like you're all one . I can already tell how it's making you feel so good , right , so inspired , so loved . And he wakes up . He goes out , like you know , he lets you rest , he makes coffee in the machine , he comes back and like he brings it to you . You guys continue watching . You have great conversations . You talk to him about your dad . You talk to him about your life and , like he listens , he talks to you about his work or whatever else , and you listen and you feel a strong sense of love . And this guy's name is something else is james , is it ? Is it bringing tears to your eyes ? Why ? Because it's beautiful , right ?
Speaker 2yeah , because I want that you want them .
Speaker 1And for me , sitting here and looking at you , I swear , all I can see is just a little girl , a little girl so sweet , sitting there , like you know , holding her knees to her chest , just saying I want that , I want that , I want that so much and you deserve that .
Speaker 1But you have to show yourself , then , that you can't settle for anything less than that , that you can't allow yourself to be a victim of anything less than that , and you have to be the loving mother figure for that little girl , the loving father figure for that girl , and not let her have anything less than that .
Speaker 1You need to be the strong father figure that when you see her going for a boy who treats her bad or bullies her , whatever , that you pick her up and you take away and you're like no fucking way , am I letting you near my baby girl ?
Speaker 1You know , yeah , and something maybe you wished you had , and that if you see her sitting alone , that you come sit beside her and you play with her . And you play with her by playing in your own life with the things you have that bring you joy your puppy going out in public , like you know , and doing things , or like skiing or swimming or having a cafe or like whatever it is that energizes you , because that's what really counts inside . And my question to you was like you know , and I could see your tears and I love them If you had all of that from a year from now , would you even sit back and think about this time and be like , oh , I like this guy . It's so hard to say no to him . Or would you say , thank God I said no to that guy because I have what I have ?
Speaker 2I would say thank God because I have what I have .
Speaker 1So then , why let it worry you ? What if that was your future ? What if I could guarantee you that ? And then you could guarantee yourself that energetically ? Then why worry about the present circumstance ? Correct ?
Speaker 2Yes .
Speaker 1So all that matters is that you believe for yourself that you are going to have that loving relationship , that you are going to wake up with this person coiled in and around you , giving you kisses on your forehead , on your cheeks , that he's going to rub his bearded cheek against your cheek and it's going to itch you , just like I do to my wife , and she gets so annoyed by it that you're going to watch your favorite thing on Netflix . You need to feel these things continuously and that's how you guarantee yourself , not willing to feel anything less than who knows . This thing with this guy will work in any way , shape or form , or it won't , but either way , your life will work and that's all that matters .
Speaker 2Okay , I love that . That was a great great advice . This is why they pay me the big bucks , yeah no , anyway , this is really beautiful .
Speaker 1I really . This is probably one of my favorite episodes . It was so conversational , so chill , so easy .
Speaker 1I'd love to bring you back again , you know for us to have , like you know , just an easy conversation and talk , to talk about different things .
Speaker 1It's funny because I believe that you're considerably more experienced and living on this earth than I am , because I assume , like you know , you're older than I am , and yet I see you and I see all the people who show up vulnerably , as little girls like my daughters , like I said last night on the call , you know , and I feel like I have this God-given responsibility to love , protect and nurture the things that are feminine on this planet , because I am very masculine and my job is not to be , you know , like them or to shame them for not being like me .
Speaker 1My job is just to take care of them , like a beautiful gardener taking care of his roses and everything . And I really feel so connected when I find women being vulnerable and letting go of their old stories , feeling the tears but trying to create new ones . And that's what you deserve , heather , and that's what everybody listening I hope they got to this point in the podcast because this was a long episode . I didn't expect it to be this long , but I hope they got to this point and I hope to everybody else listening and watching that you recognize and do the work to see that you're worth everything , that you don't settle for anything less than that thank you .
Speaker 2You've helped me so much and you've helped me on my healing journey and I hope that our relationship continues because I just I feel good when I'm , when I'm around you and I like that love , that .
Speaker 1I'm giving you a big , big yats hug , and I love hugs . I'm giving you like a big squeeze , nice big squeeze . All right , thank you , heather . Thank you so much for being on this episode . Thank you everybody for listening . I hope you enjoyed it . Stay tuned to our next episode . Also , if you're not following Heather , please make sure you follow Heather , because she's providing some very inspirational work on how to even you know , create more confidence for yourself by dressing up , by taking care of yourself , and now she's talking about her relationships and her past stories that provide her a lot of growth and inspiration . So where can people follow you , heather ?
Speaker 2So on Instagram I am so Heather blog and on YouTube I am Heather Anderson and I have a website that is just soheathercom .
Speaker 1So , heather , I love it . You just like being so unique and owning your identity , right . Like so , heather , so own that . That little girl is the epitome of so , heather , why would you put her in the hands of something that can make her not so much Heather ? She is so Heather . That's what she deserves .
Speaker 1That's what you deserve , I love that as always , I say thank you , everybody , give her a follow .
Empowering Women Post-Breakup
Speaker 1Uh , please share this episode with people you think that you know could learn and grow from this . I , like I said , my goal is to help so many people especially women , I think who are in a place in their lives where they're going through a difficult time post-breakup , post-divorce just trying to find themselves . My goal is to help them realize that they are fucking beautiful . So with that , I say to you all namaste , namaste , heather , thank you for this beautiful session . Have a beautiful day . All right , thank you everybody . Bye .